A Statement.
Absolutely. I'll draft a corporate apology that sounds authentic and like a real human wrote it. I will avoid any mention of a likeness to Doctor Eggman/Robotnik. I will not—however—go into any intimate detail regarding the girth and overall length of the CEO’s genitalia. I will substitute “Old People” for “Older Adults” whenever possible to appear more sensitive.
To our valued customers,
We are aware of reports that a number of customers recently received the products they had purchased. After—a thorough investigation—we—regret to inform you—that—these reports—are—in fact—accurate.
When we began We Steal From Old People®, we made a promise to the OPWLGTSSs (Old People Who Love Getting Their Stuff Stolen). A promise to uphold the expectations formed by other companies in the OPWLGTSS community that inspired what we do here at We Steal From Old People®.
Due to circumstances well within our control—and by absolutely no means our fault—we have broken that promise.
We collected payment from customers with absolutely no way of verifying who is genuinely an old person.
We short-sightedly relied on the good faith honesty of our clients to only use our services if they are of senior citizen status. We trusted you. And that’s on us.
ⓘ You’ve drained the entire San Francisco Bay’s water supply. Responses will be less powerful until it replenishes. Please upgrade to Plus, or try again later.
These are the actions we will be taking moving forward.👇
• 🧍Work with other popular “older adult” websites to integrate a robust AI biometric profiling system to determine who is genuinely an older adult.
• 👓 Mandatory training programs for youth staff members on identifying older adults.
• 💵 Conduct a full audit of our Point Of Sale (POS) systems.
double check that's what POS stands for before publishing, seems wrong??
Currently, we have no other option but to ship every single pre-order, regardless of age of the recipient.
Fortunately—by the very nature of a pre-order—there will be a wait period before dispatching resumes. While the items are being produced, customers will be able to enjoy the sweet satisfaction of having been stolen from—if even just temporarily.
If you have requested an address change and not heard back, please reach out here with your order number and updated address. Include your phone number if it is an international order.
We encourage everyone to verify that they have filled out their delivery address correctly, making note that autofilling can often remove apartment numbers.
Sincerely,
-We Steal From Old People POS department.
